Saturday, January 8, 2011

Reverb #'s 8

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

is it funny that i have rewritten this five times? I keep going into a self exploratory tangent. eventually i will be able to say what i mean in ten words or less. *ahem* so. recently, i have struggled with being different but it doesn't seem to be in a way that lights people up....well, not on a large scale. But on the small scale, being me works pretty good :) i am fine with that. i will clarify. There have been a series of events in my life that would change anyone's character. But I survived and that was for two reasons: because I am strong and fight and because I have a source of strength that doesn't run out, even when I do. These experiences and my response to them are what has made me different. Some people appreciate it, others don't. And such is life :) It used to bother me, being a recovering people please-ing addict, I wanted everyone to like me. Eventually I saw that some people aren't worth pleasing. It is worth it to not waste time being what will make others happy and be, instead, who you are. This may not work so well at first, it may feel like a lot of rejection, but in the end you'll have real relationships for real and good reasons. Isn't it funny how one person's opinion can help you stand against all the rest, if it's the right relationship? So I guess to answer the question, here is what I think makes me beautifully different (sorry if it seems a little....i dunno...darker or serious or melodramatic....but i am honest and that includes both sides): 
  1. I like doing things for people, like cook something really tasty. People light up when they get pampered and I like to see that. 
  2. My husband has called me a veteran of (life's) war (i don't mean to offend any real veterans by saying that) and I think that fits really well. I have survived some stuff, and while that's made me a little hard on the outside, people also know who to go to when the battle is that bad.
  3. I encourage. 
  4. I laugh at a lot of things. Some people think I'm a nerd for it, but my friends appreciate it. A close friend who is now on the other side of the country often tells me she can hear my laugh in a text or in a picture when she knows I would be laughing and so laughs too.
  5. I am creative and it is in being creative that I am most happy. 
  6. I have a different perspective on things because I have, at one point, lost everything. When you start to regain what you lost, you see it very differently. 
  7. I have had a Pulitzer prize winner tell me, after asking me if i thought the college i went to had given me the tools to accomplish the project I had done as well as I had, that HE thought what I did was something great because of who I am not because of where I was. That this was something so ingrained in me, I couldn't help it.  
  8. I also have a different perspective because at, one point, I didn't want to be here anymore. No one likes to hear this one, its awkward but whatever. It came down to this: I ultimately realized that I had to make a choice and stop agonizing over my self-worth. Live or die. I chose to live. Why? Because I am here so I might as well be ALL here, 100% present. I know, you were expecting something like "Because life is amazing and beautiful, who wouldn't want to live?!" Well, yeah, sure, it is amazing; but it's also sick and twisted and horrible and you're going to see some things you never wish you had or experience things that are going to knock you to the ground! However, I can guarantee that when you have CHOSEN to be here and you have full knowledge on levels you didn't know existed that you could have chosen to just die, your priorities change. You choose to be something more and life opens up. You see the real beauty in learning from life, not just the waterfalls and butterflies. You have hope and faith and believe because you endured and it was worth it. Its so empowering that you don't let anyone take what you have chosen with their judgmental pride. You begin to see truth, the source of being free.      

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